Beyond "No Means No"

If you are anything like me, and maybe you're not, you've been reading "too much" about the Steubenville rape verdict/situation.  The day that the verdict was handed down I stayed up late, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't fall asleep.  I felt sad, really sad, and really angry.  I felt angry, like so many others, at all of the major media outlets for all of the egregious offenses they had committed that day in reporting on the "story," like naming the survivor and focusing on how the perpetrators of the crime would be impacted by the verdict.  But I was also angry at all of the reactions I had read, written by well meaning folks that wished for harsher sentencing and spewed general hatred for the perpetrators, angry at all of the folks who equated justice to jail time and made big assumptions about how sorry the perpetrators were without  actually knowing them.  I know that opinions are like assholes, but assumptions aren't any better.  And we can do better.

I'm no expert on the criminal justice system, but it's fair to say that most people would agree it doesn't really work.  People know the system of punishment that is in place to deal with crime, but they still commit crimes, every day.  Some people get caught, some people don't.  Some people commit crimes after they've been caught and released, some people don't, but most do.  We talk about being tough on crime and we talk about law and order and we talk about justice.  But you know what?  No matter how long a person sets in a jail cell, no matter how many people die from lethal injections, electric chairs or hangings, no matter how many people are put on parole or probation, justice still isn't served.  Justice isn't the same as vengeance, and it's time that we acknowledge that.  Justice comes in the form of making amends and accepting accountability.  I don't see how sitting in a room eating up state and federal dollars can accomplish that.  I don't see how being treated like a caged animal and working for less than minimum wage accomplishes that.  I don't see how being removed from society and being socialized as a criminal accomplishes that.  I think, if we tried, we could come up with better ways.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a whole lot of patience for perpetrators of physical or sexual violence.  And by that, I mean I have no patience at all.  But there should be a significant difference between my individual feelings and the structure of the institutions that we use to deal with issues of crime and justice.  I know a person who has been a perpetrator of sexual violence, and I would like nothing more than to see him locked up forever.  If I was honest I'd say that I would like nothing more to put a bullet through his skull.  I don't know if he is typical or not, but I can also say that he is a person who has shown no remorse at all and has never worked to make amends, or even apologize for his wrongs.  His family and social network has accommodated this.  But what if that wasn't true?  What if his family had instead shown kindness and concern for those who survived his attacks, and worked with them to heal?  What if his friends had said, dude, not cool, you gotta get right.  And then worked with him to heal as well?  And what if the criminal justice system had provided counseling and opportunities for guided mediation and healing on the survivors terms?  Had any of those things happened, I might be able to stand the sight of him.  But it hasn't.  And as things stand now, they aren't likely to happen in the future.  So we are relegated to punishment instead of justice, and for no good reason at all.

So I guess we can't really help rapists not rape and we can't really help survivors heal, because that would take too much work right?  I mean, prison is no deterrent from making people into harder "criminals," right?  Rape never happens there, right?  And the service providers to survivors of rape?  Underfunded organizations that rely on volunteers to deal with the trauma is what we have.  Underpaid and volunteer advocates that suffer the effects of  vicarious trauma from the stories they hear.  And that is assuming that a woman reports her rape or seeks out support.  Which isn't terribly likely.  I know the kinds of women, and actual women, who do this kind of work.  For a short period of time I was one of them. We are the  kind of women who are labeled as feminazi's, dykes, bitches and man-haters.  But then again, the women who are raped are labeled as sluts, whores, bitches, drunk and easy.  I'm seeing a pattern here.  Are you?  What do we call perpetrators of sexual violence?  Rapists.  I can't think of any other words.


But what about prevention?  Can we work toward prevention?  Can we talk about female sexuality and pleasure in a way that isn't shaming?  Can we have men and politicians and institutions respect us as women?  And yes, that includes making our own choices, and not just the choice about whether or not to have abortions.  It means respecting our choices about sex and who we have sex with, and the kinds of sex we do and don't like to have. It means respecting our choices about family, social networks, our style of dress, the work we do and our rights to self determination.  Respecting our right to say no but also our right to say yes, to be assertive and angry and happy and sad and powerful.  Respecting our unique qualities that make us who we are, as equals rather than your mothers or sisters or wives or girlfriends. It means giving little girls options beyond barbie, polly pocket and cabbage patch dolls.  It also means giving little boys options beyond war games and sports and can include barbie, polly pocket and cabbage patch dolls.  It means talking to children about sex and safety and the differences between secrets and surprises.  It means talking to girls about masturbation and pleasure and orgasms, it means having a steady stream of dialogue about sex instead of one big awkward sex talk after it's too late.  Because kids with IPods, laptops, cell phones, and friends have the opportunity to see porn before you can talk to them about penises and vaginas, and by that time ideas about pleasure, pain, slut-shaming, power, and body image have already set in.  And part of this conversation, a significant part of this conversation, has to do with consent, and understanding what that looks like.  While it is so important for young men to know the importance of asking, it is even more important that young women know how to answer authentically.  Sometimes that answer will be no, but sometimes it will be yes.  How young people will deal with the responsibilities that accompany these answers is largely up to their preparation, and the best prep will start at home.  

But that's a lot to ask right?  That we are honest with young people and prepare them for the realities of being a teenager or young adult.  It might feel weird.  You don't want to encourage them to do this or to do that?  I made many decisions about my sexuality as a young person, decisions I made with very little information that I sought out on my own.  But I also watched my uncle die of AIDS as a young teenager, and that taught me safety above all else.  And I watched my mother struggle through years of poverty, impacted by the reality that she was a mother at 19.  Because I saw the truth, I was able to make decisions that made sense for me, and for the most part that decision was to wait.  And not because it was right by God, or right by the rules, but because it was right by me.   

I spent plenty of time as a teenage girl being drunk, but I set rules for myself that I didn't bend and they were intended to keep me reasonably safe.  When I say drunk, I mean really drunk.  Puking drunk, blackout drunk, sloppy fucking drunk.  There was never a single time that it would have made sex, or any kind of sex act, okay without my consent.  Ever.    I also spent a fair amount of time as a teenager smoking weed.  Most weekends I smoked weed and got drunk.  I was a very moderated wild.  And you know what?  Puke on my shirt, where are my pants, when did I take off my bra, what the fuck happened after I passed out would have never made sex okay without my okay.  Period.

Now I didn't spend a lot of time around athletes or popular kids in high school, but the little bit of time I did grossed me out.  I remember being a junior in high school and smoking pot in my friends room when some of her younger sisters friends came in.  They were senior boys who were in a totally different social group than me, pretty boy athletes that were used to girls drooling over them.  I remember feeling nervous, mostly that I was going to be made fun of, and I mostly stayed quiet.  At some point it came out that I didn't know who one of them was.  The boy looked at me and said, "You don't know who I am?"  I shook my head and kept passing the bong.  He was shocked and asked me a couple more times, just to be sure.  I didn't like his attitude, and when I think about that sort of arrogance, I think about the kind of boys who don't think twice about putting their fingers inside of a girl who is passed out and video tape it.  And put it online. And laugh about it.  And blame her.  I don't mean to suggest that the arrogant sports guy  of my story ever raped anyone, he just did plenty of slut shaming at his time at Franklin.  And the system of valuing his abilities as an athlete allowed him to do and say what he liked without reproach.  Portland is no Steubenville, but rape and sexism perpetrated by athletes is excused every day.  Just ask Kobe.

The adults in Steubenville had numerous opportunities to work toward justice in the aftermath of the sexual assault.  Coaches and parents could have come together to address the needs of the survivor, and they could have also instantly stripped the players of their roles on the football team.  But do do that would have disrupted their own privilege, so they stayed quiet.  They let a young girl, who we know nothing about other than the fact that she was drunk the night of the attack, suffer and be ridiculed in order to maintain their status.  Don't tell me that this mentality can't be addressed.  Oh wait, there is an entire industry being propped up on holding athletes to lower standards which relies on coaches, teachers and parents giving them a pass?  Right.

So...Where does that leave us?  Maybe as a society we can't do better, because that would mean fighting patriarchy. But for those of us who actually care, who are committed to justice and equality and the rights of women, we can do better.  It is our job to think outside of the here and now, and to think about what could be, and to work towards that.  We get to be angry, and we get to want more.  But when we can, when we have the space, let's try to be more angry at this system than the victims of that system, so that we can be more prepared to dismantle it.

Open Letter to the Nuge

Dear Ted Nugent,


Today I read your column for World Net Daily (http://www.wnd.com/2013/02/i-honor-blacks-the-dems-destroy-them/) in which you announced that you will name your 2013 tour: "Ted Nugent Black Power 2013."  I think that it is admirable that you have declared your appreciation for black culture and hope to embark on a path that fosters racial equality and support governmental policies that provide real economic and social opportunities for improvement.  I agree that the Democratic party has not always had the interest of ethnic and cultural minorities as a priority when crafting legislation, nor do I argue that President Obama will act in the best interest of black folks in his office.  But I fear that you are missing an opportunity for real dialogue about race relations in these United States by leaving out the legacy of the Republican Party and Conservative politicians of also crafting policies that harm black and brown folks.

There is still a lot of work to be done around racism in the United States, both at the individual and institutional levels.  At present the Republican Party is scrambling to find the same sort of token representation that will appeal to minority voters as the Democrats have found in President Obama.  You might have seen Marco Rubio's presentation of the Republican response to the State of the Union. The Republican desire to lump itself with minority interests in the hopes of gaining additional votes isn't far off base from how the Democrats have used the president to label itself as the party of inclusivity.  But outside of this sort of tokenism, which is harmful to all Americans, limits opportunity for discussions about race and cultural relations, and pits us against each other, we really should talk about policies.


You discuss the rate of drop out among African Americans in your article, and it is true that high school completion rates are at an astoundingly low rates for black teenagers, particularly boys, hovering just above 50%.  I don't think that Black History month will solve this problem, but I do believe that more culturally appropriate and inclusive curriculum could help to raise the graduation rate. We saw an example of this sort of program with the Mexican American Studies program in Tuscon, Arizona, which helped raise high school completion rates among Latino students, as those who participated in the MAS program were over 40% more likely to graduate.  Rather than put more support into this program, perhaps even expand it to include additional ethnicity's, superintendents Tom Horne and John Huppenthal pushed, and succeed in their efforts to eliminate the program.  


While I understand that not all folks agree with all of the content in the program courses, I'd like to state that I didn't agree with a fair amount of the curriculum that was available to me as a student.  I attended public schools in a predominantly white city where curriculum that related to the experiences of people of color was largely limited to slavery, Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks.  Discussion of the realities of people of color, sociological understandings of racism and power, or the encouragement of critical analysis of the material wasn't introduced or encouraged.  The Board of Education in Florida recently unveiled separate benchmark standards for black and Latino students, and by separate I mean lower.  Both Florida and Arizona are headed by Republican Governors.  For a party that stresses small governments and states rights, we must recognize the role that Republican headed states play in preserving and expanding racial inequalities within the educational system.


At the national level, President George W. Bush enacted No Child Left Behind, an unfunded mandate that, with even the best of intentions, continued the legacy of racism that was already prevalent within the U.S. educational system.  Schools that had high academic success began to not meet benchmarks under the new system, and schools that were under performing lost students to more better performing schools and the reduction in FTE adversely affected families and students in attendance at their neighborhood schools.  Looking at the data of school performance through the filter of neighborhood economic status, it is clear that under performing schools tend to be housed in neighborhoods with lower incomes, and many of these neighborhoods exist within communities of color.  This being said, for the students who did decide to transfer to other schools, commute times had an impact on time at home, with friends, homework and extra-curricular activities.  Educators at every level found this mandate troublesome, and wasn't enacted by a Democrat or President Obama.

I do not agree with our President on many things, and I certainly didn't vote for him because he is black.  But I did vote for him, and I do believe that he was democratically elected (as much as that can be true considering our outdated Electoral College system), but I cannot say the same for the second President Bush.  Warrentless wiretapping, loosened standards relating to torture, new categorizations for people participating in armed conflict (i.e. "enemy combatants"), lack of concern for international law, loosened environmental regulation, two unwinnable wars (three when you count the war against terrorism) that cost thousands of Americans their lives, reliance on faulty intelligence and posturing that damaged our reputation in the international community hurt not only people of color, but all Americans.  


You discussed the prevalence of single parent households within the black community but failed to mention the Bush era Abstinence Only sex education projects served to legislate his Evangelical beliefs instead of taking the realities of public health into account.  I don't know how that was good for anyone.  


Considering that you stated that only whores, pimps and welfare brats voted for Obama, while also acknowledging that the president received 93% of the black vote, I am forced to question your real feelings toward black folks.  I love it that you love black music, I do too.  But music is but one element of a culture, and your characterization of who I am is at odds with what I understand unity, respect and power to mean.  I may have different beliefs than you, I may have different values than you, I am a different color than you, but I am neither a pimp nor a whore.  Instead I am a working class black woman who has benefited from social welfare opportunities such as grant money for college, which was made available by the Higher Education Act of 1965 during the Democratic administration of Lyndon B. Johnson.  While I understand that education can be as much of a divider as it is an accelerator, my appreciation for my educational opportunity is one of the defining principles of who I am.

It is impossible for someone who is elected to office to serve the specific interests of all people, and I truly appreciate your disdain for President Obama.  But I do ask you, in good faith, to reconsider naming your tour. Surely an artist of your caliper can determine a title that is representative of your actual beliefs and agenda.  I am not sure that you understand the political and social beliefs of the people who support you as a musician, people who listen to you on your visits to the Political Cesspool radio show, which counts among it's principles: "We wish to revive the White birthrate above replacement level fertility and beyond to grow the percentage of Whites in the world relative to other races," and "America would not be as prosperous, ruggedly individualistic, and a land of opportunity if the founding stock were not Europeans."  This is not what black power looks like, and if you truly wish to honor the black folks who inspire you to make music, please think about real ways that you do this.  It does not include supporting white supremacist, separatist culture and organizations, but may include working to create an inclusive environment where black folks can be safe to come to your shows without feeling threatened and/or like you wish to make a mockery of our experiences of racism.  It does not include making death threats to the man who holds the office of the presidency, but may include working to build upon the example that he has set for many black folks, particularly young folks, that with hard work the American Dream is possible.  

I will not attend any of your tour dates, because I don't much care for your brand of music nor do I wish to voluntarily share space with people who support your attitudes and beliefs.  I will not watch your television shows, where you shoot animals from trees.   I respect your right to say the things that you like and call our nations policies into question, it is our duties as Americans to do so. If I were a praying person I would pray that the people of color who do venture to your shows are able to do so without bodily harm and racial slurs.  I will also, from this point forward, choose to abstain from listening to REO Speedwagon, who I have liked a bit in the past, and who will join you on this tour.  As part of my power, as a black woman and as an American, I can exercise my power through choice, and I choose to not support or enjoy you or artists that associate with you.  It is my hope that others, regardless of the color of their skin, make the choice to do the same.


Graciously,


Monica Wilson

Don't Shoot (PART DEAUX)

I love to listen to music, my favorite place to enjoy listening to music is in my car.  I listen to music on my way to anywhere, work, home, etc.  Usually very specific music.  You see, I don't like just anything, but when I find something that I like I listen to it for months on end, sometimes even a whole year, without interruption.  Right now it is Bruno Mars, before that it was a combination of Maroon 5 and Kelly Clarkson, before that DJ Khaled, before that just Maroon 5.  Prior to Maroon 5 it was pretty  much just Justin Timberlake...For...A...Really...Long....Time...  But between these phases I listen to a mash up of random stuff, typically rap music.  Often rap music that is full of expletives and other language that is not appropriate for mixed company. When I listen to music, I do it properly, which is to mean at full volume.  That being said, if you pull up next to me while I am listening to music, regardless of what it is, please don't shoot.

The brutal murder of Jordan Davis hasn't gotten the same attention as that of Trayvon Martin, and probably for a fair amount of reasons.  Davis's attacker was arrested (somewhat) immediately and there were a number of eyewitnesses to the attack.  Like the Martin tragedy, the man who shot young Jordan Davis is claiming self defense.  Like the Martin tragedy, I am calling bullshit.  I'll call this situation another example of Death By Racist Dick, or DBRD for short.

What is crystal clear to me in both of these situations is that a white man (or white-ish man who enjoys white privilege) has decided to take a young black mans life when that young man doesn't behave in the way proscribed by the attackers preference.  Or should I rephrase that....

What is crystal clear to me is that in both of these situations the perpetrators of violence who enjoys white privilege within the United States have taken it upon themselves to murder unarmed black men under the age of 18 for not doing as those attackers have demanded.  Being killed for not following directions isn't acceptable or legal, and there shouldn't be a legitimate legal defense for it.  Situations such as these were morally reprehensible in the era of slavery or antebellum, but they are both morally reprehensible and illegal today.

It's not a new situation in this country that Black men are seen as a threat.  Threat to property, threat to person, threat to status, threat to women...  But I am constantly told and reminded that racism is a thing of the past.  People are too sensitive and want to take the rights away of hard working white folks who have earned everything they have and deserve to hate brown skin people because it is their right.  Not that anyone hates anyone else, but there are reasons to be afraid, there are truths behind the stereotypes and the prejudices.  Brown skinned people, whether born here or abroad, want to take advantage of the system and not work for anything, take jobs and live off the system.  And it's as simple as that.  We have the right to think, feel and believe whatever we want.   When you couple this right with disdain for anything that reeks of being politically correct (or as I like to call it, thoughtful and/or inclusive), all of the sudden racism isn't the problem but "reverse racism" is.  Add the right to arm oneself and Stand Your Ground laws which allow folks to shoot first and ask questions second, we've got a seriously fucked up situation on our hands.  A fucked up racist situation on our hands.  But what's new? Not a G-d damned thing.

Black folks can't as readily be strung up in trees for not doing as we are told as in decades and centuries past, but a bullet to the dome is just as effective.  But if you want this liberal northern black chick to take your self defense claims seriously, you had better stick around to face the fucking music.  Self defense doesn't look like several shots into a car with closed doors.  Self defense doesn't look like jumping in your car, speeding off, and staying in a motel for the night to dodge cops.  And self defense sure as shit doesn't look like starting arguments that you can't win and shooting young folks in conclusion.  Wait a second...Let me say that differently.

Self defense does not now, nor has it ever, looked like creating beef with someone you don't know and then murdering them in cold blood.

So here comes the shocker, maybe (just maybe, hold the phones, I said MAYBE, calm the fuck down), guns and their role in our society play a role in this debacle.  Of course, there are many ways to murder a person.  And  yes I know, you have interpreted the second amendment to your liking (because you are a constitutional scholar).  And yes I know that guns don't kill people, people kill people, but when a person is coming at you with a knife or a razor or a motherfucking bow and arrow, there may be a moment that you get to realize that shit has gone terribly wrong and  maybe there is chance to escape. Maybe not without being wounded, but likely with your life.  But hold on, cuz I'm about to get even realer in this bitch.

Maybe in addition to "better" gun control (understood as any sort of reasonable and not determined by lobbyists and big money interests), self defense could be offered as part of the physical education requirement in all of the grades of our public schools so that in ten years a thirty year old man who doesn't like the looks of a hooded teenager who he thinks is doing wrong in  a neighborhood (whether he lives in it or not), can apprehend the "subject" in a "less lethal" sort of way (citizens arrest anyone?  Bueller...). And young folks (women, men, trans, all of the above) have the physical tools to protect themselves and be clever and/or prepared when they are being attacked.  Maybe, just maybe as part of the graduation requirement from high school there could be something related to conflict resolution and intercultural communication?  Because maybe if we know how to talk to people in a way that doesn't just say "I'm a huge fucking dick and you better do what I say," the person that we are talking to might be better equipped to respond in a "non-threatening" way?  Maybe instead of forcing us all to justify the past through outdated history lessons we can move to a more culturally inclusive and culturally appropriate way of conducting social studies that includes a multicultural perspective so that when we see people who don't look like the "norm" we can understand their families journey as more than just a cog in the wheel of the train we call white privilege. Just a couple thoughts.... Don't like 'em?  Call me, I have more.