1. Is this person known for being abusive? Physical, sexual, emotional, whatever. Abuse is abuse as far as I'm concerned, and if they haven't worked that shit out, and seriously made amends for their actions with the people they have harmed, I DON'T LIKE THEM. Period.
2. Is this person regularly using hate speech? I don't care if I don't belong to the group they are targeting, it hurts my feelings. I don't care if "they don't mean it like that." There is only one way to mean it and it is hurtful. If they are racist/sexist/heterosexist/xenophobic/ageist, I DON'T LIKE THEM. Period
3. Is this person taking someone for a free ride? Perpetually? Doesn't work? Able bodied with a sound (enough) mind but can't get a job, go to school or pick up a broom around the house? Yet some how always manages to have money in their pocket, which means you have less in yours? And you're struggling to make ends meet? Or they manage to "work the system" with under the counter (tax free) jobs and un-necessary government assistance (back to the able body/mind statement)? If they can't pull their own load, I PROBABLY DON'T LIKE THEM. Period.
4. Is this person a deadbeat mom or dad? Do they have kids that they don't have relationships with? Any kind of relationship? Birthday cards sent once a year? Christmas card sent once a year? Picture in their wallet? Do they let drama stand in the way of playing an active role in the life of a person that likely needs them? Do they sidestep financial responsibility for their kids, and always have a negative word about their ex? Are they an in-house deadbeat? If a person can ignore the most significant role they should ever play in someones life, especially that of a child or teenager, I DON'T LIKE THEM. Period.
5. Is this person just lacking in kindness and respect? Hurtful, insensitive, rude, condescending, arrogant, or phony? Do they talk over everyone and always know the answer? Is their answer always right, even when it's not? Are they completely unwilling to consider looking at a situation from a perspective other than their own? Are they childish and insistent on their own way, whiney at times? If a grown up can't act like a grown up, especially around strangers, I PROBABLY DONT LIKE THEM. Period.
But wait, there's a catch! I get it that it isn't always cut and dry. I may not know these things about a person, and sometimes I can be a jerk and rush to judgement. But more often than not, by the time I meet someone that is meaningful to your life, I know some of these things. How? Probably because you told me. Or maybe I even liked them at one point, and over years of experiencing their behavior, my opinion has changed. It is also, completely possible, that I am just being an ass.
I get it that it is judgmental, and I am fine with that. The truth is, I value my judgements, they are all that I have to keep me safe. I make judgements about what I will wear in a day to keep me warm or cool enough. Judgements about the products I buy and the effects they have on my body and the environment, as well as my pocket-book. I've made it to thirty years because I've held fast to the nagging in my belly that tells me when it isn't safe, when it's not a good idea, that he's no good, when to go and when to stop. The nag has resulted in some lost friendships, but where it counts it has strengthened my most important bonds.
So if you think I'm being "standoffish," or that I've rolled my eyes one too many times, there is a good chance that I don't like either you, or the person you've brought along. But before you ask me, save us both some embarrassment and think about it. In this situation it is okay to assume, if it turns out that I'm the ass, I'm okay with that!
5. Is this person just lacking in kindness and respect? Hurtful, insensitive, rude, condescending, arrogant, or phony? Do they talk over everyone and always know the answer? Is their answer always right, even when it's not? Are they completely unwilling to consider looking at a situation from a perspective other than their own? Are they childish and insistent on their own way, whiney at times? If a grown up can't act like a grown up, especially around strangers, I PROBABLY DONT LIKE THEM. Period.
But wait, there's a catch! I get it that it isn't always cut and dry. I may not know these things about a person, and sometimes I can be a jerk and rush to judgement. But more often than not, by the time I meet someone that is meaningful to your life, I know some of these things. How? Probably because you told me. Or maybe I even liked them at one point, and over years of experiencing their behavior, my opinion has changed. It is also, completely possible, that I am just being an ass.
I get it that it is judgmental, and I am fine with that. The truth is, I value my judgements, they are all that I have to keep me safe. I make judgements about what I will wear in a day to keep me warm or cool enough. Judgements about the products I buy and the effects they have on my body and the environment, as well as my pocket-book. I've made it to thirty years because I've held fast to the nagging in my belly that tells me when it isn't safe, when it's not a good idea, that he's no good, when to go and when to stop. The nag has resulted in some lost friendships, but where it counts it has strengthened my most important bonds.
So if you think I'm being "standoffish," or that I've rolled my eyes one too many times, there is a good chance that I don't like either you, or the person you've brought along. But before you ask me, save us both some embarrassment and think about it. In this situation it is okay to assume, if it turns out that I'm the ass, I'm okay with that!
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